I know many of my readers have dealt with some of the very same crap as I have in my life: depression and alcoholism. I'm not a happy person, I'm really not, I live in a city I don't belong in, I don't fit in here and I don't know how many times a day I think I should just jump off the 1st Street Bridge and get it over with already. I don't know why I'm still here, aside from having a job for the first time in years, I don't have anything truly keeping me tied to Brandon, MB.. aside from not having the money to afford to move elsewhere in the first place. I don't have a girlfriend or really any friends keeping me here in the first place.. hell.. everyone asks me why I'm still here.. but I don't know why, possibly it has to do with being so insanely scared of failure again. I've failed so many times in my life already but I always end up picking myself up and starting all over again. I'm scared of not being employed and living in a city where I can't seem to make friends, like Brandon.. and I've been here a decade.
One thing that's really affected my life in the past 5 or so years is alcoholism. Let's face it, I'm an alcoholic, I'm not a cheap alcoholic - I like to spend money on good beer, and lots of it. Sure, I hoard a lot of it to the point it shouldn't be drank anymore, but I don't remember the last time I haven't had a drink. I guess I drink to numb the pain, numb the loneliness and just forget that I'm in a crappy time in my life as it is.
A year ago, I knew I faced alcoholism but thought it was in my past. Hell, I lost 40lbs and just got a new job, so I thought the future was bright for me. I had a job, but I turned more into a hermit because fuck it.. this is the cliquesville, I don't belong. So me turning into a hermit me drink more and more. Hell, just last night I bought a 12 pack of Sleeman with my GST and by the end of the night, it was all gone, and I was craving more. Well, I think to myself, it can't be that bad - it's not like I'm drinking a 12 pack of Lucky Lager or Molson Dry like I used to, well.. it is bad. Even if I drink 2-750mL bottles of Unibroue, that's still mainly because I want it to numb the pain.
I'm in pain, well my liver isn't in pain, it's more like the pain of frustration and depression, I constantly feel like there's someone sitting on me, holding me down and no matter what the hell I do, it just doesn't get better.. unless if I drink. I take meds, cut down my beer consumption, lost weight but none of that helped, zilch. Hell, I'd randomly break down and cry in my room. I'm a loser, I get it, but I thought by now I'd be happy.. nope. I constantly worry about what others think about me, why should I? I should only care WHAT I think about me, I'm my biggest bully. I just want to succeed in life, but seeing how much I worry about money and what girls think about me.. I don't think it will happen anytime soon.
So for now, I'll most likely continue to keep drinking down beer after beer, empties everywhere and I'm not in the mood to clean up, just hoping that things will get better. Things get better, right? Right? Well, it did only take 3 years to finally get a job.. so I guess..
PS - One of the only things that does keep me going is this blog. I've had brewmasters from some of Canada's greatest breweries email me telling me how they enjoyed my blog, and then people from as far away as Australia sending me great feedback too, so thank you for all that, you guys rock!
6 comments:
Being happy is a choice, it's not going to just happen.
Take control.
^ worst thing you can say to someone who isnt happy. Smh. Depression isnt a choice, Mark.
Depression is neither a choice nor the absence of happiness. Ignore advice that tells you otherwise. Seek out help and speak to somebody you can trust; a doctor, shrink, counsellor, priest, whatever. While there are many things that can help, there is no one-sized-fits-all solution. Find out what helps and what hurts, emphasize the former and minimize the latter. I find lack of sleep is terrible (though of course, it's impossible to sleep when in the depths) and exercise to be immensely helpful. But the same might not be true for you. Keep writing if you find it helps. Know that you're not alone in this, even if geography means you don't have good friends close to hand. Lots of people are pulling for you, me included. If you want to, hit up the contact on my blog, and know I'm around to chat anytime. Will things get better? Possibly, maybe even probably, but I know that light is hard to see when the tunnel looks pitch black. Hang in there mate.
Chris — http://TorontoBeerBlog.com
Sorry I came off a little insensitive… but seriously what I mean is you've got to actively pursue happiness. I know it's not as easy as flipping a switch but hiding from insecurity and sadness only guarantees even more insecurity and sadness.
You've got to face yourself head on, screw the consequences. I'm completely scared of myself but if I didn't try everyday to face myself, I'd have nothing in my life worth living for.
I really hope you can find your way, your path to happiness.
Re: "You can make yourself happier" - I WANT to be happy. I go out of my way to try to make myself happy, that is by not skimping out on food, eating what makes me feel good, going to events and trying to exercise.. but still doesn't work.
I'm on meds and I've changed meds 3 times because "they didn't work", my doctor knows this but she hasn't been much help, time to switch doctors I suppose.
I woke up with a brutal hangover today too.. never a good thing
Been thinking about this post for awhile. Didn't speak for a long time because, hey, I'm awkward like that.
And I don't have any advice at all. I'm still figuring out. I hear Brandon's a rough place to live for finding good things to do. There's good folk and times in Winnipeg (despite our branding) if you can make it here.
There's a lot of joy in your writing, even when you're taking the boots to a brew. I enjoy reading your posts tremendously.
Hang in there. And keep talking about how you feel.
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